The Downside to Being Ginormous

I just hit the 30 week mark on Friday. This is amazing.

Last week one of my coworkers said, "Wow, you're really getting big fast now." I should have been appropriately offended, but I was like, "You bet your sweet bippy I am. Because I am so flipping good at being pregnant!"

My boys have started playing the "belly table" game. They see who can balance the coolest thing on my gut. This requires me to sit down and not move. Best game ever.

Then last week I was sitting in my office chair at home, and I made a fatal mistake. I bent forward to grab something off the floor, causing my voluminous body to shift the weight on my chair, and heard a snapping sound.

I literally busted my office chair off the base. 

It was emotionally painful, but I reminded myself the chair was really, really old, and surely the plastic base had just grown brittle over the years. Yes... that's right. Brittle plastic was to blame.

And then the next night our friends invited us over for dinner, and as I walked past their hall closet something crashed to the floor. I opened the door to find a bin of markers that had exploded all over the place. Surely there was some sort of micro earthquake right as I walked by that only affected one area of their home, right? It wasn't my massive weight causing the ground to literally shake the marker bin off the shelf...

Later that night I announced that I was going for a drink in the kitchen, and Cole said, "I'll get it for you. You'd better just stay here and try not to make any sudden movements." I should have Chuck Norris'd him in the side of the head to teach him a lesson. Instead I just asked him to bring me an eclair, too. 

Mo belly, mo problems. Know what I'm sayin'?

Suck It, 27 Weeks!

Guys, I'm 28 weeks. This is exciting news!

For one thing, it means I beat my record with Tukk, who was born at 27 weeks 1 day. For another thing, it means baby's chances of having cerebral palsy and other forms of brain damage have decreased dramatically, and critical lung development is mostly done. Werd.

I had an appointment last week with the specialist. My cervix hasn't shortened any more since I started the double progesterone dose, so that's awesome. They also measured baby this time, and the little man or lady is measuring a week ahead of schedule with an estimated weight of 2 pounds, 5 ounces. That's exactly how much Tukker weighed when he was born.

But the best part? Perinatologists are notoriously negative. They have a rough job seeing all of us problem preggos. But this time the doc actually told me she thought I had a good chance of making it full term with this baby. Shut up.

I almost fell over. I don't have a lot of experience with getting good news from perinatologists. They're the ones who told me to terminate my pregnancy with Tukker because there was no chance he'd survive and there were risks to me, and when I refused they basically told me to go home and wait for him to die. NOT THAT I HOLD IT AGAINST THEM OR ANYTHING. But their group as a whole made a baby step toward gaining my forgiveness when my doc told me there was a good chance I'd go full term. I felt like hugging my doc and then giving my cervix a high five. But that's kind of impossible, and also pretty gross, so I refrained.

So basically we can lower the alert level from crazed lunatic to just lunatic.

Also, have I mentioned we're not finding out what this tater tot is? It's driving Cole crazy. I want to be surprised, and since I'm the one getting fat and crazy I'm saying I get to call the shots on the gender reveal. Whenever someone asks us if we've decided on a name Cole's like, "No, because we don't know what we're having. IT'S TOO BAD THERE ISN'T A WAY FOR US TO FIND THAT OUT... EVERY SINGLE WEEK WHEN YOU HAVE AN ULTRASOUND."

And inside I evil laugh because I'm relishing the power of refusing to find out. Muah hah hahahaha!

What I do know is this kid always has his feet AND hands in front of his face, so we haven't gotten a good profile shot for weeks. He's a smushy one, apparently, who likes to stay all curled up. Or maybe I should say she, but I pretty much can't imagine having a girl, so I'm assuming it's a boy. I'm not sure how a little girl could survive in our "all fart jokes, all the time" testosterone-riddled environment. Plus Cole has guaranteed it's a boy. He says he's all man and is therefore incapable of creating a girl. I'm not really sure he knows how it works, but he's probably right.

What we do know is the kid likes showing off his muscles. I think it's a product of the steroid shots.

The Big Plan

I found this note on Caulder's dresser. Apparently he had big plans on Christmas Eve.

Step 1. Charge phone & tablet (not Kindle).

Step 2. Set up devices in proper position.

Step 3. Turn on camera mode (film on).

Step 4. Go to sleep.

Step 5. Look at footage.

Step 6. See if Santa's real.

Step 7. Brag to friends about it (if he's real).

I'm not sure what the verdict was. Hopefully there was a lot of bragging happening on his first day back at school.

I also dug this out of the bottom of his backpack this morning:

Dear Santa,

Yo big man. I know I already sent you a letter but I got 2 things that I forgot to put on it. I also want tomodachi life for my DS3. I would also like a coconut in my stocking.

Thanks Buddy.

Merry xmas,

Caulder



Apparently he was throwing around terms like "big man" and "thanks buddy" to lull Santa into a false sense of security, then he was planning on using Santa's complacency to catch him in the act, bust him... and brag to his friends.

Devious. And ingenious.

I like the way this kid thinks.

The Perils of Leaving Your Phone Unguarded

If Kolby and June are around, you end up with this:

And my very favorite...

The 3-Day Johnson Party

Kolby's family drove down the Saturday after Christmas to spend a few days with us, so of course a cousin binge ensued. The boys started it off with some of Caulder's Christmas bacon and smoothies, which they drank out of their mini red Solo cups, of course.

I don't know why all of these pictures are flipping. I suspect it's because I posted them from my PC, which is dying a slow and painful death.

We had the Johnson/Washburn family party the Saturday they arrived, and the kiddos had fun decorating Christmas cupcakes.

We spent a day at Grandma and Grandpa's dragging the little people around behind the 4-wheeler.

They were in heaven.

I don't know a lot of 70+ grandparents who would brave a snow storm to rig up a double sled contraption and watch their great grandkids play in the snow. They are the best.

At least all their hard work didn't go unappreciated.

I love this one, even if it's sideways. Grandpa Kyle with his crew of great grandkids.

Everyone should have grandparents who live on a farm.

When the littles got cold and headed in for hot chocolate the big boys decided to take a turn.

And then we did MORE decorating. This time it was gingerbread cookies.

I'm pretty sure Tukk's was a boy.

Christmas

We really have been excited for Christmas at the Bott house, even though I haven't blogged about it. We decorated the Christmas tree and Tukker took this artsy picture of it for us.

We wrote our letters to Santa, and we went with Grandma Sarah to see the Festival of Lights.

We partied at Grandma Kathy's house.

We made gingerbread houses and rode past the farting Santa. And let me tell you, nothing brings the spirit of Christmas like a flatulating Santa Claus.

The boys dressed up as a wise man bringing gifts and an angry, mysteriously hooded innkeeper with no room for Joseph and Mary. 

We had our annual Bott Christmas party on Christmas Eve day with Cole's extended family, including his cousins Chad the Elf and Jonathan.

And then, finally, Christmas Eve night came, so we put on our new pajamas, opened one present (Tukker's was these monster slippers, Caulder's was a Percy Jackson Greek Gods Encyclopedia), read the Christmas story in Luke, then nestled all snug in our beds to see if the Big Man would make an appearance. 

Well, some of us nestled all snug in our beds. One of us (*cough, Coleseph, cough cough) was too excited after helping Santa set our presents out to fall asleep. He just kept talking about how excited the boys would be and how fun this was and they were going to think it was so magical and I can't wait to see their faces when they see what they got and what time do you think they'll wake up and isn't this so exciting I'm so glad I get to be home from work and do you think we should go have a snack? 

Until 2 in the morning. 

I love that he was so excited. However, next year he's getting a double dose of melatonin on Christmas Eve. Or maybe a baseball bat to the temple. Santa's tubby helper needs her beauty sleep, you know.

This was the first year the boys have actually gotten up somewhat early on Christmas morning. Usually Cole and I have to open their door and bang around out in the kitchen to try to wake them up because we're dying to see them open presents. But this year Tukk woke up around 7:30 and dragged Caulder out of bed. And Cole was right. It was completely magical. 

Apparently Santa enjoyed the traditional Cheetohs, cookies, chocolate milk and pig in a blanket we left him, because there were only crumbs left. Plus he left us this snowflake note to say thanks. That's how excited a certain someone was on Christmas Eve. He even helped Santa make a snowflake note. 

Caulder's second favorite gift was his new Nintendo DS3. He passed out momentarily from joy. 

But his #1 favorite? These mini red Solo cups. He's been asking for them for 6 months, but I guess I just didn't understand their glory so I never bought them for him. Luckily Santa knew they'd be a hit, so Caulder's mini red Solo cup dreams finally came true. He was this excited:



Tukker was dying over his new Finn the Human backpack.

And his compound bow, complete with elk target.

Of course Santa brought bacon boy the traditional giant pack of heart disease in plastic packaging.

And he left us a treasure hunt to make the morning last a little bit longer. 

We spent the rest of Christmas day reading books.

Having epic ninja battles. 

Playing with the new Super Nova Battle Station Caulder got and the Mega Shark Rig Tukker got.

And hanging out with these weirdos. 

We also got a nice thank you - and some helpful advice - from Caulder in the form of a Santa Christmas card:

Dear Parents,

Thanks for eggs, pancakes, and bacon. Thanks for presents. Don't eat raw chicken. Thanks for home. Thanks for everything!

Jettlyn put on a magic show for us.

And Jacey got in a little snuggle time with her BFF. 

It really is the most wonderful time of the year. I feel so lucky to be able to share it with my two little buddies... and the guy who kept me up until 2 in the morning because he was just so excited.