Normally, I'm not one to wilt at the site of a bug. With the exception of moths (which aren't actually bugs - they're the erratic-flying, silver-winged remnants of damned souls), I calmly take care of insects - I remove spiders, usher honey bees back outside when they find their way into our house, and terminate flower-eating grasshoppers on site.
But then I met The Fiend.
A giant, thick-carapaced, freaky antennaed, HISSING beetle. I was just getting ready to step into the shower when I discovered it. In my bathroom. While I was naked.
There's something about having nothing between you and a giant hissing insectile fiend but your own (non-carapaced) skin that really makes you feel vulnerable. So I did what any good mother would do: wrapped up in a towel and told my boys to come take care of it.
Caulder took one look and disappeared for two hours. He hates insects. So much.
Tukk made a valiant effort to scoop The Fiend into a jar for me, but he finally said, "Sorry Mom. It's too big. I'm out."
We had to call in the big guns. Cole came and scooped up the bug, trapped it in a jar, and I hopped in the shower thinking how lucky I was to have so many big strong boys to come to my rescue.
Until 3 minutes later, when Cole back in, said "I can't believe how big this thing is!" opened the jar, AND THREW THE GIANT HISSING CARAPACED ANTENNAED BEETLE OF WHICH NIGHTMARES ARE MADE ONTO MY NAKED BODY IN THE SHOWER.
People, I apologize in advance, but there is only one phrase that accurately describes my reaction:
I lost my sh$t.
One hundred percent.
I screamed at octaves my vocal chords haven't been able to hit since before puberty, threw myself backward, and nearly impaled myself on the faucet while trying to get away from The Fiend. Oh, the horror.
And then I heard Cole and Tukk laughing their guts out on the other side of the shower curtain.
And then I realized it was a plastic bug in the shower with me, not the actual Fiend.
And then I started plotting the torture and death of two members of the Bott family. While heaving and shuddering and feeling nauseated for a good two minutes.
Cole, Tukk, and The Fiend: 1
Misty: 0
