Caulder Speaketh

You're lucky you get to work from home, because it means you get paid to enjoy all of my colorful commentary.

Tomorrow I'm going to wake up feeling totally invigorated. Oh wait, we have to go to church tomorrow. Tomorrow I'm going to wake up feeling totally depressed.

Me: You guys, I have to run 20 miles tomorrow.
Tukk: Are you going to die?
Me: I don't know. I'm scared.
Caulder: You're a strong, independent woman. You'll be fine.

Me: You guys have got to start remembering to do your homework on your own. When you go to college do you think I'm going to be there to nag you to get it done?
Caulder: You wish.
(it's true. I do wish. Sigh.)

Me: Man, Michael Jackson could dance. I don't know why he was always grabbing his crotch, though.
Caulder: Maybe he just had to go to the bathroom all the time.

Whenever they're talking about Nauvoo at church I'm like - wait, are they talking about Naboo from Star Wars?

(after slamming into his dad) Geez Dad. Trump should just use you for his wall!

Me: Is it your turn to pray?
Caulder: No. I already had to meet with the bishop today to talk about the priesthood. I've had all the gospel I can take.
Me: What about Grandpa's Sunday thought?
Caulder: I'm saving room for that in my gospel tank.

When I get older I'm gonna go to the city dump and take a poop. When the cops come to arrest me I'll be like, "Hey, the sign says "authorized to dump!"

In my dream I had a flamethrower, a flare gun, and a sledgehammer, but not a girlfriend.

Caulder Prays:
Please bless I never get sick in the summer again. I can get sick anytime during the school year.

(before Yaya's carpal tunnel surgery): Please bless Yaya's hand that it won't have to get replaced by a robot hand. Actually, that would be pretty cool, so nevermind.

Me: We get to sit next to each other. That means you can snuggle your momma all the way to California!
Caulder: *slowly lowers the armrest between us.*

They don't have life jackets on the boat. That way you can choose if you want to get eaten by crocodiles or drown.

I don't like tents. They're crowded and small and usually they smell like feet.

I need to make a chef super hero. His thing could be speed boost salad, because it has alliteration.

Tukk: Did you give Mom the password to your safe?
Caulder: Nope. The only ones who know it are me and the voices in my head.